Do you chronically feel guilty for wanting to say no or having different preferences? As if you're bad, undeserving or wrong?

When we feel guilt, we often take actions from that nerve-racking space that violate our own values just to stop feeling bad about ourselves.

Then we wonder why we people-please or resent those who triggered those feelings. It wasn’t the people themselves—it was the internalized guilt, which can lead to either shutting people out or overreacting.

Ultimately, it comes down to core beliefs about yourself and the stories you have about boundaries.

The Nature of Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of maintaining mental health and personal well-being. Boundaries are the limits we establish to protect our emotional and physical space. They help define what we are comfortable with in relationships, including those with family members. It is essential to recognize that having boundaries does not equate to being selfish or guilty; rather, it reflects self-awareness and respect for one’s own needs.

Self-Care is Key

Do you feel responsible for other people's feelings? When you take on this belief, considering yourself is naturally the last thing on your mind. Self-care is crucial for overall well-being. Engaging in activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit allows you to recharge and be more present in your interactions with others. When you prioritize self-care, you are better equipped to handle relationships and responsibilities effectively. This prioritization can sometimes lead to feelings of guilt, especially when family expectations may conflict with your personal needs.

Feeling Guilty for Having a Self That Needs Tending?

Feeling guilty about setting boundaries often stems from societal or familial pressures that suggest you should always be available for others. However, it is important to understand that everyone has the right to prioritize their own needs without feeling guilty. Recognizing that your time and energy are finite resources can help alleviate feelings of guilt when you choose to focus on yourself.

Talk it Out

Clear communication is key when establishing boundaries. You might consider explaining your need for personal time to your family in a way that emphasizes your love and commitment while also asserting your need for space. This approach can help mitigate misunderstandings and foster a healthier dynamic where both parties feel respected.

I find great empowerment in communicating clearly because you're making yourself heard, seen, and understood. You take your power back by talking it out.

Look at It Differently

Instead of seeing boundaries as a way to shut people out, think of them as a way to let people into your life by sharing who you truly are with them. Boundaries help maintain balance in relationships, ensuring that you don't overly rely on your partner to meet all your needs. Enmeshment can indeed be toxic.

By taking care of yourself first, you'll enhance your ability to engage meaningfully with family members, instead of silently resenting them.

Bottom Line: Embracing Your Right to Set Boundaries

You can either embrace your right to set boundaries and communicate them proactively, or your brain will automatically react in rebellion—either by shutting down with guilt and shame or by explosively releasing stored resentment onto your partner from the many times you suppressed your truth. Either way, your body will express your boundaries for you.

In summary, You are innocent for having a life and setting boundaries because these actions reflect self-respect and the necessity of self-care, which ultimately leads to healthier relationships with others.

Let's be honest: You're feeling unwarranted guilt simply for having needs—for having a self that wants to take up space and make itself known. Individuation is a vital part of healthy psychological development. It refers to the process of becoming a distinct, autonomous individual while maintaining healthy connections with others. At the core of this unwarranted guilt are core wounds like "I am bad" and "I am unworthy," which need to be reprogrammed.

If you'd like to work one-on-one or in a group format, book a session with me.

I hope this was helpful.

– Salam

Hey, I'm Salam

I'm your Attachment Coach, certified in Integrated Attachment Theory, and a Mental Health RN. With training in somatic therapy, subconscious reprogramming, shadow work, and emotional regulation, I specialize in helping clients with fearful avoidant attachment styles make noticeable progress in just 90 days. My goal is to help you become trigger-proof, move beyond survival mode, and embrace a life filled with purpose, meaning, and deeper connections.

A b o u t The author